4.4 The Promise

Charlie watched numbly as they wheeled his father from the room. Surgery. The same surgery the doctor hadn't wanted to perform the day before. Now it was the only thing that might save his dad's life, if it didn't kill him in the process. He wanted to run. To scream. To hit something. His mind kept saying this couldn't be happening. He'd wake up from this nightmare but he never did.

He could feel Andrew watching him with his eyes. He knew it was out of concern but he wished he'd stop. Charlie wanted to hide to become invisible and just maybe he'd emerge unscathed on the other side. His dad would be his old self again. Laughing and smiling. Telling him there was never any reason to be concerned. He'd go back to college tell Andrew how much he liked him and they'd both watch while Indira had a melt down. Laughing once it was all over. That's what would happen. That's what should happen. That's what...

He noticed Jeff get up walking towards the approaching doctor who shook his head. He watched his Uncle lean heavily onto the wall, tears streaming down his cheeks. Charlie stood on shaky legs shuffling towards the doctor he entrusted his father's life into. He shook off Andrew's restraining hands as he made his unsteady progress. He watched the doctor's lips move unable to comprehend the words he was saying. It was if he was speaking in a foreign language. "I'm sorry son. We did all we could."

"No" he screamed startling everyone within hearing range "get back in there and do your fucking job."

"I'm sorry," the doctor repeated "there's nothing else that can be done." With that he turned and walked away ignoring the boys pleas.

"Charlie he's gone," Jeff pulled him close "I'm sorry but there isn't anything else to do."

"No he can't be gone," he cried shoving the older man away from him "he can't be gone. He can't be gone." He turned, eyes wild, screaming his pain through the once silent corridors.

Someone tackled him to his knees saying loudly in his ear "Charlie he's gone...I'm sorry. But you've got to calm down."

He recognized Andrews soothing voice, felt his strong arms wrapped around him. For a brief moment he allowed himself to be comforted. "It's never going to be the same again," he cried pushing away from Andrew's embrace. Running down the hall towards the stairs. He heard Andrew call after him. He didn't stop. Couldn't. The minute he stopped it'd all be real.

***

Andrew moved to chase after Charlie when a strong hand gripped his shoulder. "Let him go."

"But he needs ...." Andrew stopped shocked at what he was about to say. He looked up to find his Uncle holding a tissue to a bleeding split lip. "What happened?"

"I bit my lip when I collided with the wall," Jeff explained "it's nothing."

"What can we do for him?" Andrew asked already moving past his momentary concern for his Uncle's welfare.

"Be there for him when he needs us," Jeff told him.

"That's doesn't sound like much," Andrew complained looking at his feet.

"We can't bring his dad back," Jeff sighed trying to swallow his own sorrow "all we can do is be here for each other."

Looking into the older mans eyes Andrew nodded "I'm sorry Uncle Jeff. This must he difficult for you too."

"It is," he mumbled as he allowed the younger man to pull him close taking what comfort he could. How could he explain the profound ache and loss he felt from losing his partner and best friend for almost twenty years. A friendship that spanned more years then his nephew had been alive. He didn't know how he was going to cope with the loss. The only thing he knew for sure, now wasn't the time to succumb to his own grief. Not when a boy half his age was struggling to cope with the loss of his father. "Thank you," he mumbled stepping back.

"What should we do?" Andrew asked looking to the older man for guidance.

"First you should go back to the house."

"No I want to help" Andrew protested "he's my best friend..."

"I know. I understand believe me I do. Zayne was my best friend." Jeff told him "He needs time to sort things out. Give him time."

"Can't I stay here? I promise I won't get in the way" Andrew pleaded not wanting to be sent away.

Jeff thought a moment before replying "Andy I appreciate the offer but I don't think this is where you should be right now. I'll be doing things and going places you won't want to be. Zayne didn't have anyone else, other than Charlie. Lisa and I were the only family he had. I have to arrange things, sign papers, go to the morgue."

Mention of the morgue was the deciding factor. Andrew nodded "I'll go." 

As he began to walk away, head down Jeff called after him "I know it doesn't seem like it now but it will be ok. Maybe not today or tomorrow but eventually."

He nodded not sure what to say. He couldn't see how things would ever be alright again. His best friend just lost his dad. The single most important person in his life. Andrew couldn't imagine how that felt and hoped he'd never have to find out for a very long time to come.

***

Andrew doubted he'd ever forget the days leading up to the funeral. Charlie stayed locked in their room refusing to talk to anyone, eating almost nothing. He'd nibble if Andrew pressured him otherwise the food went uneaten. His Aunt and Uncle were busy making funeral arrangements while Andrew stayed at home watching his younger cousins.

Patrick was a lot of help being only a couple of years younger then Andrew. He'd make sure his younger siblings did their homework and got to school on time. Andrew knew they were all feeling the loss of Zayne as much as everyone else. Zayne had been a large part of their lives and had been considered family. 

Tommy looked up from his homework "when is Uncle Zayne coming home?"

"He's not" his older sister told him.

"Why?" he asked "is he on assignment?"

"No," the twelve year old girl shouted at him.

"Then why isn't he here?" he asked "he promised that he'd take me to the park when he got home."

"He can't take you to the park," she frowned at him gathering her things from the table.

"Why not?" the little boy asked close to tears "doesn't he like me anymore?"

"He's dead that's why," Rita shouted at him before fleeing from the room.

Attracted to the noise Andrew came into the room as the girl pushed past him. He found his young cousin wiping tears from his eyes "Tommy what's wrong?"

"Is it true? Is Uncle Zayne gone forever?" 

Andrew looked around the room hoping someone else would materialize to answer the eight year old's question. Sighing he moved towards the boy "yes it's true."

The little boy stared blankly across the table for a moment before getting up and throwing his arms around Andrew's waist "was it my fault?"

"No of course not," Andrew told him "what gave you that idea?"

"Rita was so mad at me," he shrugged "I thought maybe I shouldn't have asked Uncle Zayne to take me to the park all the time. Maybe that's why he died."

"I'm sure that had nothing to do with it. Zayne enjoyed taking you to the park. If he could, he'd tell you that himself."

"Are you sure?" the boy asked looking up at him.

"I'm positive" Andrew smiled down at the troubled kid "is your homework done?" When the boy nodded Andrew went on "then let's go to the park and remember all the fun times you had with your Uncle Zayne."

"Ok," the boy tearfully smiled up at him "will Charlie come with us?"

"I don't know but I'll ask," Andrew assured him.

***

"Charlie," Andrew said upon entering their room. Sighing he found him curled up on his bed crying softly into his pillow. "Charlie I'm taking the kids to the park. Do you want to come along?" The only response he received was a few sniffles between sobs. "It'll do you good to get out of this room."

"Leave me alone," Charlie mumbled pulling the pillow over his face.

"You can't hide in here forever," Andrew tried to snatch the pillow from the boys fingers.

"I said leave me alone," Charlie snarled standing abruptly letting Andrew fly backwards a few steps from the sudden release of the pillow.

Andrew fell backwards landing hard on his butt on the floor. The jolt and embarrassment was worse then the pain from the fall. "Can't you see we're worried about you. Me. The Kids. Everyone." 

Andrew stood up rubbing his behind "let us help you...."

"Help me," Charlie shouted "how can you help me? I lost my dad. There's nothing you can do to change that."

Shaking his head Andrew wasn't sure what was happening. He had never seen Charlie so upset or angry before. "I'm sorry I can't change what happened. I wish I could but I can't."

"I'm here for you. I'm sorry. We did all we could. I'm so fucking tired of hearing the same old shit over and over again." Charlie took several steps forwards. Eyes glittering with anger, grief and fear. He grabbed Andrew by the lapels of his shirt shaking him.

"Charlie" Andrew shouted his name prying at his hands that held him "I'm sorry I won't..." The force of the blow knocked him into the wall. Blood gushed from his nose as he gazed up at the man he hardly recognized.

Charlie stared at the mess he made of Andrews face. His fist still clenched. He could still feel the moment his fist collided with Andrew's face. He didn't know what prompted him to punch him. He wanted to say he was sorry but the words wouldn't come out of his mouth. He stood frozen locked inside his body as his anger boiled inside him. He turned and ran from the room, the house, dimly aware of the scared faces of the young kids as he ran past them. He ran trying to put distance from the shock, the fear, the pain in the face of the last person he ever wanted to hurt. There was nothing he could say or do to change what he did.

"Charlie," Andrew shouted out to him as he fled the room. The blood gushing from his nose pooling in his shirt he startled the kids as he attempted to cut Charlie off. Before he could follow Charlie from the house Patrick blocked him.

"What happened to you?" Patrick asked blocking the door.

"Get out of my way," he demanded as he watched Charlie running down the road until he was out of sight.

"Charlie hit you didn't he?" Patrick asked without moving from his post in front of the door.

"He doesn't know what he's doing" Andrew told him "he's upset I ...."

"Got in his way" Rita said handing him an ice pack "this should help. Mama always gives daddy an ice pack when he comes home beat up."

"Thank you," he murmured taking the ice from the girl and pressing it to his nose.

"Is it broken?" Patrick asked in concern helping Andrew to the floor so he could lean his head back. "Do you need to go to the ER or something?"

"I don't know" Andrew confessed "I've never had a broken nose before."

"I guess this means we're not going to the park" Tommy said watching Andrew closely.

"I'm sorry kiddo," Andrew tried to give him a smile but he was afraid it didn't come across right.

"I hate him," Tommy cried running upstairs. They could hear him as he ran across the floor to his room and the distant sound of  his door slamming shut.

"I should go and ..."

Patrick pushed him back "no he'll be alright. He's just upset."

"I called daddy" Rita informed them "he and mommy will be home soon. They'll know what to do."

***

"Ouch" Andrew grumbled as his Aunt touched his nose.

"I don't think it's broken more gore then anything else." She told him "it's going to hurt for a few days and you're going to have a beauty of a black eye."

"Great," Andrew mumbled "I'll look like a prize fighter for the funeral." Looking around he asked "where's Uncle Jeff?"

Patting his shoulder Lisa said "he went looking for Charlie."

Andrew nodded "I think I should room with Patrick until I go back to college."

"Are you sure?" she asked nibbling on her bottom lip "I'm sure Charlie didn't mean to hurt you."

"I know but I'm obviously doing something wrong if he's lashing out at me. He probably just needs more space. He doesn't want me hovering over him." Andrew tried to keep his voice even to give the impression of being calm. The last thing he wanted was for his Aunt to think he was afraid to be alone in the same room with Charlie. He was his best friend, he was coping with a lot, he didn't mean to hurt him. He knew all of that and yet he was afraid. The idea of being alone with him was making him almost physically ill. As much as he told himself he understood why it happened it didn't help. He still couldn't face it.

Raised voices and angry shouts never ceased to remind him of the days he was alone with Ricky. Being hit sent him back to being that scared helpless little kid again crying for his parents. He never thought it would be Charlie who made him feel that way again. Now that it happened, what could he do to change it?

"It'll be alright," Lisa smiled at him "I'll have Patrick move your stuff to his room..."

"No I can do it," Andrew objected.

Patting his shoulder "you need to stay put with that ice pack glued to your nose."

***

Jeff unlocked the apartment with the spare key Zayne had entrusted him with in case of emergencies. The interior was dark, silent, foreboding. He took several steps inside to find Charlie on the floor in the living room with several photo albums spread around him on the floor. Silently Jeff joined him waiting for the boy to speak first.

"I never knew her," he pointed to a picture of Zayne and a young woman on their wedding day "my mother, I never knew her. Never knew what I was missing. I had my dad. That always seemed to be enough. Now I don't have anyone."

"You have us," Jeff told him his voice firm, low, soothing.

Charlie nodded still looking at the picture of his parents on their wedding day. "I know but...." he sighed closing the photo album "you have your own family. You don't need me ruining it."

"You are my family as much as my own kids are. You ruin nothing." Jeff moved towards the boy.

"Everything I touch I ruin," Charlie scooted away from the older man he had known all his life. "Everyone I've ever loved is gone. I'm jinxed. Death follows me and I'll bring death to you too."

"That's not true," Jeff told him firmly despite the long buried feelings he still had of feeling the same way when he was Charlie's age. The ones where he felt jinxed that everyone he cared about would be ripped from him like his parents had been. Those feelings had kept him from being able to use his gun, too afraid of making a mistake. Taking someone's life and causing someone to lose their loved one. He had been so busy hiding he hadn't allowed himself to see Lisa for who she was to him. If she hadn't forced the issue, broken through his reserves he wouldn't have the kids he had, know the love he cherished for his wife and kids. He wouldn't be the person he is today. "Charlie you have people who love you. Who want to help you."

"No" he shouted stumbling to his feet "they're better off without me. I...I..." He turned his back on the older man. Couldn't see his tears. His distress.

Jeff watched as the young man's broad shoulders shook. Sighing he stood up "he understands..."

"I hit him" he cried as if the words caused him pain "he was my best friend and I hit him."

"He still is."

"Is what?" Charlie asked.

"Still your friend," Jeff told him trying to comfort him.

"No no no" Charlie shook his head "no not anymore."

"Come back to the house," Jeff told him "you'll see...."

"No" he shook his head adamant in his decision "I'm staying here." He wandered off refusing to listen to anything else.

***

Charlie curled into a ball upon his childhood bed. He let the tears fall from his eyes unheeded. He hit his best friend. He watched in horror as he fell backwards against the wall. Holding a hand over his nose. He saw the brightness of the blood as it seeped through his fingers. He did that, his mind screamed at him. His mind kept screaming at him as he stood there in shock until he couldn't stand it anymore and ran as if every monster that ever existed was chasing him.

Andrew would never forgive him. Charlie of all people knew Andrew's fear of loud angry voices. The nightmares he still had about being kidnapped and being slapped around for crying. Look what he done. Turned into the very thing Andrew feared most. He couldn't face him. Couldn't see the fear in his dark grey eyes and know he was the one who put it there.

He loved Andrew more then he realized. It was too late now. He couldn't tell him how he felt not after what he did. The last words his father said to him and he couldn't do as he was told. He'd never be able tell Andrew he loved him. Not now. Not ever.

The realization of that burden weighed heavy on his shoulders. A crushing weight that threatened to drown him in the turbulent seas of his self-recriminations. Sleep eventually came to him. His dreams were no better than his reality. His dad's dying words kept repeating themselves inside his head. Tell him...daddy I can't he'd pleaded only to see his dad turn away from him in disappointment. 

"Daddy please I'm sorry" Charlie pleaded.

"Tell him," Zayne repeated "you promised."

"I know but I can't..."

"You can," Zayne told him walking away.

"Daddy please come back. I need you," Charlie cried out in his sleep.

"Son it's alright," Jeff soothed gently holding the shaking young man "I'm here I'm not going anywhere."

Charlie nodded clinging to him. It was safe, comforting to know that no matter what he still had his dad's best friend, his Uncle in his life. But would he still be there once the people closest to him became victims to his jinx?