4.3 Don't Go

Andrew woke up to a strange if not wholly unpleasant sensation. Charlie had snuggled up close to him in his sleep. Thrown an arm around his chest. He could feel Charlie's warm breath tickling the back of his neck. He resisted the urge to move so as not to disturb his friends slumber.

"Morning" Charlie mumbled near his ear as he removed his arm and he pushed back the covers to sit up. He moved to the edge of the bed yawning.

"Morning" Andrew mumbled in response sitting up stretching the kinks from his back "sleep well?"

"Fine," Charlie grunted as he got up to dress without looking at Charlie. He padded across the room to his bag.

Andrew watched him in silence unsure if he had done something to offend him or not. Charlie was acting like he was uncomfortable in his presence. Maybe he should ask his Aunt to find that sleeping bag she mentioned the night before. "Did you want company when you see your Dad today?" he asked deciding he would ignore the awkwardness between them.

Charlie's hands shook as he lifted items from his bag. He turned to stare at Andrew "if you still want to come."

"I want to do whatever will help," Andrew told him as he moved towards his own bag seeking clothes for the day.

Charlie froze staring at the shirt he held in his hands. "I want you to come," he said as a sob escaped and his broad shoulders shook as he lost the battle to keep from crying. "Please ... I don't want to be alone."

Andrew pulled him close as the boy broke into uncontrollable sobs. While Andrew held him close he couldn't help but notice how wonderful it felt to hold him against his skin. Then guilt overrode the it. How could he find pleasure while his friend was suffering?

***

"Boys" Jeff said as he came into the room without knocking, startling the half dressed boys. "Um uh" he stammered taking a step backwards "I uh guess I should have knocked."

Andrew's arms dropped to his sides while Charlie stepped back drying his eyes. "It's not what it looks like Uncle Jeff" Charlie mumbled breathing hard.

"Um ok," Jeff said slowly glancing from one boy to the other. "Lisa has breakfast ready for you whenever your ready. Once you've eaten we'll go to the hospital." He turned opening the door "I'm assuming both of you are coming?"

"Yyyyes" Andrew stuttered trying to button his shirt with fingers trembling almost too much to manipulate the buttons through the holes. What had just happened? His mind felt in disarray, full of chaotic turmoil. Why shouldn't he hold his best friend when he sobbed heartsick over his Dad? There was nothing wrong with what he did. Then why did he feel so guilty? He hastily finished dressing moving towards the door, he asked "you coming?"

"Yeah" Charlie mumbled following him from the room looking as shaken as Andrew felt.

***

"You'll have to wait here," the young male nurse told Andrew before he cold follow Charlie into Zayne's room. "Only family is allowed beyond this point."

Charlie looked back fear etched in his handsome face. "I'll be right out here," Andrew assured him "I'm not going anywhere."

Charlie nodded as he turned, straightening his shoulders before entering the room where his father lay motionless upon the bed hooked to multiple machines. "Dad" his voice broke as he leaned over and kissed his pale cool cheek. Blinking back tears Charlie sat in the hard backed chair shoved between machines that were there to presumably keep his dad alive. He buried his face in his hands "daddy I can't lose you. Not now. Not when I have so many questions."

He jerked his head up as the door opened and a man in a white coat entered. "Who are you?" he asked. He watched as the man checked his dad's chart before looking up and absently noticing he wasn't alone.

"I'm Doctor Kasprzak" he said writing notes on the chart. Putting his pen away he walked up to his patients still form shining a light into the man's eyes humming softly as he worked.

"Will my dad be alright?" Charlie asked following the doctor with his eyes.

The doctor's hands stilled for a moment as he thought over his reply. He caught the boys gaze as he said "I wish I could say yes but he sustained multiple injuries that left him extremely weak."

"But he's going to make it," Charlie persisted almost pleading with the doctor.

"We're doing everything we can for him," the doctor told him moving towards the door. He left without a second look or word.

The doctor's final words echoed in Charlies head. Doing everything they can. What exactly did that mean? Did that mean his dad was going to die? He couldn't lose him. He just couldn't. He leaned forward resting his head on the edge of the bed crying.

He didn't know how long he sat there sobbing like a baby when the first alarm went off. His head jerked up as more and more alarms and lights started going off. As the room filled up with medical staff Charlie was pushed back into a corner of the room. He watched in horror as they ripped his dad's bandages open on his chest revealing the gory wounds beneath. Someone started CPR pounding on his chest, while someone else charged some machine.

Charlie wanted to close his eyes. Blot it all out like it wasn't happening but like a horror movie his eyes were riveted to the action. This could be the final moments of his dad's life and he was recording every second of it. For all he knew he could already be gone and all this bustle to save his life was all for nothing. He cringed as they shocked his dad in their attempt to get his heart beating again. Each time Charlie felt the jolt deep within him. He grabbed a nurse pleading "please don't let him die. I still need him. He's all I have. Please..."

A low keening started to fill his ears, slowly building in volume, filling the room. Someone shouted "what's he still doing in here?" Several arms and hands grabbed at him pushing him from the room. 

"Let me stay please. He's all I have." Despite his pleas he found himself staring at a closed door. He turned stumbling into a chair before falling to the floor.

***

"Charlie" Andrew cried as he watched in horror upon seeing his friend being pushed from his dad's room. He had watched in fascination just moments before as doctors and nurses raced into the room responding to the code red alarm. He had hoped it wasn't as bad as it looked. In his heart he knew this might be the worst day in his friends life. He pulled Charlie into his arms, cradled him as he rocked back and forth sobbing.

Andrew was powerless to help, to offer any real solace over a pain he couldn't comprehend. He murmured inane things like "it's going to be alright."

"No it's not," Charlie cried "it's never going to be alright again. I'm not ready to lose him. I need him. If I lose him I'll be all alone. I'll have no one."

"You'll have..." Andrew started to say when the door to Zayne's room opened and the doctor walked out. Looking from side to side the doctor approached them "Mr Thompson?"

Charlie sniffed wiping his eyes dry on his sleeve "yeah" he mumbled standing up.

"I'll be right over there," Andrew pointed towards the waiting area.

"No please stay" Charlie half pleaded grabbing his hand. Turning towards the doctor he asked "how is he?"

"We got him stabilized for the moment" the doctor sighed "he needs surgery...."

"Then do it" Charlie all but shouted at the exhausted man.

"In his weakened condition anymore surgery could kill him" the doctor looked at the distraught young man "I'm sorry the best thing at this point is to wait and hope he gets stronger so he can endure another surgery."

"And while we wait, he could die," Charlie would have fallen if it weren't for the strong arm locked around him, lending him the strength he lacked.

"I'm sorry," the doctor shook his head sadly before he shuffled off.

"He's going to die. They're just going to let him die," Charlie murmured watching the doctor walk away.

"You don't know that," Andrew groped for words to give him hope "your dad's a fighter. If anyone can get through this he can." 

"I don't know. I just don't know" Charlie muttered leaning into Andrew.

***

Later that night as they got ready for bed Andrew doubted Charlie could take another day like today. He wondered as he watched his friend shuffle around the room in a daze, if coming here was such a good idea. "I need a drink," he said going to the door "do you want anything?" He waited  but after receiving no response he left. He didn't know what to do or say that would be of any help to his friend. He felt useless. In the way. Coming into the kitchen he found his Uncle getting a snack.

"How is he?" Jeff asked as he walked in.

"Not good," Andrew mumbled "we shouldn't have come."

Shaking his head Jeff put a hand on his shoulder "don't say that. You've given him a chance to say goodbye."

Surprise and shock shot through him as he looked into his Uncles kind brown eyes. "You don't think Zayne is going to make it, do you?"

"No I don't" he said sadly "I hope I'm wrong but...."

"You don't think so," Andrew swallowed the lump forming in the pit of stomach wishing he had listened to his sister. He couldn't handle this. He just couldn't.

"Andy it's ok to cry with your friend," Jeff pulled him in close "it'll help him know he's not alone."

Nodding Andrew didn't know what to say or do. Was it alright to cry? He had always thought you had to be strong when everyone else was falling apart around you. Was that just him misreading things when he was growing up? He always thought his Dad was strong. Looking back now through a different perspective there had been times he had seen both his parents crying in each other's arms. Sometimes strength came through tears.

"I'll see you in the morning," Jeff told him giving him one last squeeze.

Andrew watched his Uncle for a moment before remembering what he came into the kitchen for. Grabbing a couple of bottles of water he headed back upstairs.

***

Opening the door into his room he found Charlie staring angrily at an innocuous blue sleeping bag. He looked up as he walked in "what's this for?"

"I asked Aunt Lisa for it this morning," Andrew explained setting the water bottles down.

"Why?"

"So we could avoid the awkwardness of this morning." Andrew groped for words in the face of Charlies anger.

For a brief moment Andrew thought Charlie was going to fight him. The he suddenly went limp as he simply nodded and threw himself on the bed. Curling into himself Charlie muttered "goodnight."

Andrew stood transfixed unsure as to what just happened. In the end he simply changed for bed and rolled out the sleeping bag. Turning off the light he lay in the dark trying to grasp what he had done wrong. He thought this would help. He thought Charlie had been embarrassed waking up to find himself wrapped around another guy. Maybe he should have just pretended nothing had happened.

Sometime later he opened his eyes straining his ears for the sound that had woke him up. The room was still dark so he hadn't been asleep long. There it was again, a half strangled sniffle moan. 

Standing up he made his way to the side of the bed where the sounds were emanating. 

"Charlie...Charlie...." he could hear the boy sniffling in the dark "Charlie are you alright?"

After several long moments the boy sat up "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I tried to be quiet."

"Don't worry about it," Andrew told him "is there anything I can do?"

Shaking his head Charlie looked down mumbling "hold me. Please I..."sobs drowned out his words. Without a second thought Andrew got into bed beside him and wrapped his arms around him. He could feel the bed moving in rhythm to Charlies sobs. Andrew held him tight as Charlie soaked his shoulder as if he had an endless supply of tears.

***

The next day Jeff accompanied them to the hospital. He sat in the waiting room beside Andrew while Charlie sat with his father. Putting down his magazine he turned a thoughtful glance to his nephew. 

"So what's up between you and Charlie?"

Jumping as his heart beat skyrocketed Andrew closed the book he had been pretending to read. 

"What?" he asked confused.

"Don't play dumb with me," Jeff told him his voice more stern then usual "I saw you two together yesterday."

"It wasn't what it looked like," Andrew protested "he was upset. I was comforting him."

"Uh huh," Jeff gave him a sideways glance "there's more to it than that. It's alright if there is. I just don't want to see either of you getting  hurt."

"He's my friend," Andrew asserted "that's it. I...I have a girlfriend." He stood up unable to sit still and began to pace the small waiting room as thoughts and emotions overwhelmed him. Sheree was pretty, nice, gentle, beautiful green eyes any guy would be happy to have her but something was missing. He had felt the difference between how she made him feel and how Charlie made him feel. His heart beat faster upon seeing him walk into a room, at hearing his voice, his skin tingled when their hands touched. Did Charlie feel the same way about him? or did he just need someone to lean on right now?

Leaning against the wall he could feel is Uncle's watchful eyes on him. He knew he was in danger of falling in love with his best friend. It wasn't fair to Sheree. She deserved better then what he could give her. He knew that but he couldn't let her go. Not yet. Not until he knew how Charlie felt about him. The old fear swamped him. The fear that everything he was feeling was all one sided. The fear that he would be left alone, crying himself to sleep at night.

He couldn't go through that again. He had to bury these feelings so deep inside they couldn't exist. If they didn't exist it wouldn't hurt. He turned at the touch of his Uncles hand on his shoulder. "It's alight Andy you don't have to talk about it right now. When you're ready I'm here."

"Thank you" he mumbled turning to bury his head on his Uncle's shoulder "I'm just so confused. I don't know what to feel."

"I know but I'm here if you need me," Jeff told him patting his back worry lining in his face.

***

Charlie sat in the still room listening to the beeps and blips of the machines. He hated seeing his Dad so still, so frail. He had so much life yet to live. Forty-two wasn't that old. He should have had another forty years. He should be around to see his grandchildren grow up. It wasn't fair.

He leaned forward burying his face in his hands. "Daddy please don't go. I still need you." He felt the hot sting of tears welling in his eyes. He took his Dad's once strong hand in his and clung to it like he did when he was little.

Taking a deep breath he looked at his Dad's still and silent face wishing he could hear his robust voice once more. "Dad I love you. I know you want to be here with me. I'll understand if you have to go. If you have to leave me. Tell mom hi for me and that I love her." He wiped his eyes dry from the near constant flow of salty tears. "I need you to know something. Daddy...I'm gay. I've tried to fight it but I can't anymore. I've wanted to tell you for so long. I know you'd understand. I know you suspected that I was since that summer we spent in Sunlit Tides. When we came back to Bridgeport and I cried every night because I missed him so much."

He looked up gently stroking his dad's cheek. "Remember how you teased me? I tried to tell you it was Indira I liked but all along it was Andrew. He was all I talked about. If I hadn't tried to to be something I wasn't maybe he wouldn't be with her now." He brought his face down to the pillow "it hurts so much seeing him with her. How they hold  hands and look into each other's eyes. I blew my chance. I let Indira convince me not to tell Andrew how I felt. Now it's too late."

He felt a small pressure on his hand looking up he found his Dad's eyes staring at him. "Dad? Dad you're awake." His Dad's lips moved but no sound came out. Charlie leaned in close trying to make out the barely audible words. 

"Tell him...promise..." his eyes rolled back in his head as the alarms started going off.

"Dad, Daddy don't go," he screamed running from the room "help someone help" he shouted as doctors and nurses ran past him into the room. Charlie half turned to follow when a pair of strong arms pulled him close. As the world he knew shattered all around him.