4.6 Who I am

Emmaline knocked softly on her brother's bedroom door. Waited for a response. She knocked again a little louder before turning the knob and sticking her head into his room. "Andy" she called. A groan greeted her from the lump on the bed. Taking that as invitation enough she let herself in. "Andy are you alright?"

"Go away" he told her as he felt her light touch on his shoulder.

"Andy I'm sorry" she said rubbing small circles on his back "she doesn't know what she's missing."

He sniffed despite his best efforts to keep his tears at bay. "You must think I'm big baby." He wiped his eyes sitting up attempting to smile.

She shook her head "no you're not. It's ok to cry when your heart has been broke."

He snorted "how did you get so smart?"

"I'll have you know I'm smarter than people think I am," she stood up putting her hands on her hips "just because I have pink hair does not mean I'm stupid."

"No it doesn't" he sighed "I didn't mean to imply you were."

Emmaline watched the sadness return to his eyes as he seemed to shrink back into himself. "Andy I'm sorry about Charlie too."

"What?" his first instinct was to deny everything instead he asked "how did you know?"

"I'm young not blind" she rolled her eyes at him.

Shaking his head he asked "would you have a problem with a brother who was gay?" He looked at his hands unable to meet her gaze. Her opinion mattered to him more than anyone elses did. If she reacted the way Indira did he didn't know what he would do. Die probably.

"Why would I?" she sat beside him on the bed leaning into him "just as long as you don't steal anymore of my boyfriends."

"I'd never do that to you. Besides they'd all be too young for me."

"What does age have to do with anything?" she asked him.

"A lot when your 13 and I'm 18..."

"I'll have you know I'm 14..."

"That's right, you're birthday was last week" he pulled her close "Sorry sis I haven't been a very good brother lately."

"Don't worry about it" she playfully swatted his arm "you've had a lot of things on your mind lately." 

She leaned into him "I've missed you."

***

A week into their summer break Andrew was sitting down enjoying breakfast with his little sister. He hesitated to call her his favorite as that seemed unfair to his twin but he couldn't deny he preferred Emmaline over Indira most days. Indira always made him feel incompetent, incapable not to mention her refusal to accept him for who he was. 

When his parents joined them they looked more surprised then happy to see them. "I would have thought you two would still be in bed like your sister," Caleb mumbled over a piece of toast.

"No way! Why would we waste the day sleeping when we can be out doing stuff," Emmaline said over a her mouthful of pancake. "We're going to the beach to check out all the hot guys."

"Is that so?" Caleb hid his smile behind his napkin as he wiped his mouth. He glanced across the table at his son who was a brilliant shade of red.

"You're still not talking to Charlie?" Drew asked in concern.

"I'm not the one who stopped talking" Andrew sat back in his chair tossing his napkin over his half eaten breakfast.

"Call him" she insisted ignoring Caleb's  hand signals for her to stop "I'm sure he'd love to hear from you."

"Mom...I...just stop" Andrew pushed his chair back "he doesn't want to talk to me. I've called him...he doesn't call back. What more do you want from me?"

Drew stared at him groping for something to say "I was just trying to help."

"Mom please just ...."

"You've done all you can" Emmaline spoke up "it's Charlie's turn to grow some balls...."

"Emmaline" Drew protested appalled.

Rolling her eyes Emmaline said "well it's true. If he wants Andy he should say so." She held her hand up giving her mom a piercing glare "don't say it. I know Charlie just lost his dad and he's grief stricken. I feel bad for him but unfortunately life doesn't stop. Pushing Andy away was just plain stupid and if Andy isn't available when he comes back to life it's just too bad."

"Emmie please" Andrew pleaded for her to stop.

"Andy you're too nice," she told him collecting his plate to clear the table "you deserve better then someone who can't see what a wonderful person you are. So we're going to the beach."

"Can I come too?" Indira asked coming into the room.

Emmaline gave her a sugar sweet smile. "Sure we can always find you a gelding."

Caleb choked on his orange juice as Drew frowned at her youngest daughter. Whatever she was going to say was eclipsed by Indira demanding "what's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh" Emmaline blew on her nails before answering "nothing much really. It's just you enjoy emasculating your men. I thought we'd save you the trouble and find you one without any balls to bust."

Indira's eyes narrowed to slits "unlike some I don't need my baby sister to help me find a man."

"No you just need help keeping one," Emmaline retorted.

"That's enough" both girls snapped their mouths shut at the sound of Caleb's stern voice.

"Sorry daddy" Emmaline was quick to apologize with a quick hug while flashing her sister a triumphant grin.

"Dad" Indira protested "your always taking her side."

Caleb gave his raven haired green eyed girl a silent glare. Multiple thoughts crossed his mind as he watched her. He wondered where she had gotten some of her ideas. He knew all too well how she felt about them. Embarrassed only covered the surface. He could handle her dislike of the career he loved. Her disdain for her mother's paranormal interests. But when it came to manipulating her brother to be anything other than who he is, was the final straw. The line she shouldn't have crossed.

She glared defiantly back knowing she had crossed some invisible line somewhere. Her gaze shifted towards her brother and smirked "this is about the golden boy isn't? No wonder he thinks he's gay. You all treat him like he is."

"You're the only one here who refuses to accept him for who he is," Emmaline was quick to point 

out. 

"Whatever," she said glaring at her brother urging him to come to her defense "aren't you going to say something?"

"What good would it do," his voice low "you don't listen. You never listen. You only hear what you want to hear." He pushed back his chair standing up confronting his sister a spark in his dark grey eyes "I'm gay. Get over it. Accept it. Don't accept. I really don't care." He pushed past Indira as he left the room in stunned silence.

***

A few minutes later Indira barged into Andrew's room without knocking."What the hell was that?"

"Get out" Andrew shouted at her.

"The hell I will," she yelled back "we discussed this remember? You agreed we wouldn't have anymore talk about you being gay. I thought you understood."

"I understood alright," Andrew glared at her "your embarrassed to have a gay brother. You'd rather I'd be miserable just so long as it didn't interfere with your goals, your expectations..."

"That's not true," she shook her head in denial "I want to protect you. Charlie broke your heart. He..."

"This isn't about Charlie," Andrew interrupted her "this is about me because of you I tried to deny who I am. Don't you think I know how I feel? What I'm attracted to?"

"But Sheree..."

"Sheree opened my eyes," he turned his back on her "it hurt but it was for the best. No one wants to be rejected but when your girlfriend wonders about your feelings for your best friend then it's time to reconsider things. I've done a lot of thinking. I'm tired of pretending." He looked over at his twin "why can't you just accept me for who I am?"

"Because it isn't who you are? I'm your twin. I'd know if you were and you're not." They both turned as the door opened and their dad walked into the room.

***

"Indira your mother is waiting for you in our room," his tone left no room for argument as he stepped aside for her to pass by.

"Dad..." Andrew looked down at the floor "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Caleb asked closing the door after Indira left.

"For...for being me," Andrew shrugged "for being gay." His heart was pounding ninety miles an hour in his chest. This was the moment of truth the moment he found out how awful he was for coming out...

"Andrew look at me," Caleb requested. He waited until his son's gaze moved from the floor. His eyes were still downcast but his head was up not bowed to the ground "Son I'm not mad or upset." He smiled a little as his son's eyes moved and sought his. He saw a mixture of fear, relief and surprise shining in them. "I'd love you no matter what. You're my son. Gay, straight makes no difference. You're my son and that's all that matters."

Andrew could feel himself tremble from relief. Before he could wrap his mind around what his dad 

just said he was engulfed in a warm embrace "dad I'm sorry..."

"Andrew you've done nothing to apologize for. You are who you are. You're mother and I have known longer then you. Why else do you think your mother keeps bringing up Charlie?" He ruffled his son's hair. He couldn't help but wish his nephew Apollo was here to give his son some advice. It wasn't often he let himself think about his other family, his other life. He had all the Bennett's and he had Ambrose he had all the family he could ever want. But at times like this he wished he had the Gray insight to help his son. He knew his dad would know the right things to say. Shaking his head he pushed those thoughts aside. 

"Does it ever get any better?" Andrew asked looking to his dad for advice.

"Charlie?" he asked watching Andrew nod. Caleb's lips flattened into a thin line "I want to say yes but a lot of it depends upon you. On whether or not you're ready to move on."

"Dad he told me to go on with my life. What other choice do I have?"

Smiling a little "not a lot when you put it like that. You've done all you can to show him that you care. The ball is in his court now. I can't tell you if he'll ever change his mind. All I know for sure is you're hurting. The longer you hold on to him you're missing out on life. Life goes on whether he's in it or not. You have to decide whether you're going to let him suck the joy from your life or whether your going to put yourself out there. It's your choice."

"What if he comes around and I'm not here?" 

"Then it his loss. You have to live your life. You can't wait for him to make up his mind. You could be waiting forever, watching life pass you by. Charlie may not be the one. Someone is. You'll never find him if your sitting in your room waiting for someone who isn't ready. When he's ready maybe you'll be here and maybe you won't be. The loss is his not yours."

"So you think I should give up on Charlie" Andrew asked still hoping for a yes or no answer.

"I can't tell you that. Only you can make that decision." Caleb thought for a moment "what would you tell Emmaline if she liked someone but they rejected her?"

A slight smile brightened Andrew's face "one that the guy's an idiot and two there's more fish in the sea."

"So why aren't you listening to your own advise?" Caleb asked moving toward the door "from where I stand Charlie is pretty stupid to pass up on a great guy like you. So get out there and show him what he's missing."

***

"That guy likes you" Emmaline leaned in close so that only Andrew could hear.

"What no" he glanced over at the attractive male "he's just being nice."

"Then why are you turning red?" Emmaline giggled as he put a hand to his cheek. He could feel the heat on his finger tips as he turned an even deeper shade of red. He glanced across at the male in time to catch his eye and see him wink. "What did I tell you?" Emmaline pushed his shoulder "go over there. Get his number."

"I can't" Andrew protested. He had never been good at approaching people; especially not ones he found attractive.

"If you don't I will," she said standing up.

Grabbing her had Andrew pulled her down beside him "no you won't."

She struggled to free herself until a shadow moved across their vision. She looked up smiling "looks like I won't have to."

"What are you talking ...." Andrew turned and found the attractive male staring down at them. He let his sister go as the male said "Am I interrupting something?"

"No" Emmaline said jumping to her feet.

"Yes" Andrew mumbled contradicting her.

"Well I" the guy stammered a look of uncertainty clouding his eyes "I'll just go I didn't mean.." He took a step back tripping in the loose sand.

Emmaline flashed her brother a furious glare. Sighing Andrew stepped forward offering his had to the boy. "Thank you" the boy said dusting the sand off as he stood. "I was" he stopped taking a breath "would you like to join me and my friends for lunch?"

When Andrew began to shake his head no Emmaline pushed him forward "he does and will."

"Emmie" Andrew protested "I can't"

"Of course you can" she waved him off "I'm going over there" she pointed towards a group of teenagers "I'll meet up with you later at home."

"She's cute. Your sister?" the guy asked.

Nodding "yeah she is" Andrew said watching her join her friends "I'm Andrew" he said turning back towards the boy offering his hand.

"Nice to meet you" the boy grinned taking his hand "I'm Zach."

***

Emmaline was waiting for him when Andrew got home. "How'd it go?" she asked jumping up from steps as Andrew walked up.

The grin he couldn't hide told her more then his mumbled "fine" did.

"From the way your grinning I'd say say it went better then fine," she wrapped her hands around his arm.

"Yes it was fun. He was nice."

"And" she prompted.

"And we have a date tomorrow night. Just the two of us," he told her.

The melancholy wistful look in his eyes didn't go unnoticed by her. "You're thinking of him again," she accused.

"Who?" he asked.

"Charlie that's who," she shook her head at him "have you tried calling him again?"

"No" he growled "and I'm not going to either. He's made his choice. He doesn't want to talk to me." He moved towards the door.

"But you still like him don't you?" she asked watching him closely.

He paused gazing up into the night sky before releasing a wistful pent up sigh before going inside without answering her question.

***

She walked a short distance from the door before taking her phone out. She pulled up her contact list to find the number. "Hey jerk" she said when someone said hello in her ear.

"Who are you calling a jerk?"

"You....jerk" she wanted to call him some many things but jerk would suffice for now. "You broke my brother's heart. In my book that makes you a jerk."

"Shortness if this is about Andrew ...."

"Don't call me shortness only Andy can call me that" She sighed in irritation.

"I'm going to hang up..."

"Go ahead but then I can't tell you the good news."

A pause on the other end let her know she had his attention. "What news?"

"Oh now you're interested," she fiddled with her phone before continuing "isn't he a stud muffin?" she asked when she was sure he had received the picture she took of Andrew and Zach together at the beach.

There was a stunned silence before he said "who is that?"

"Would't you like to know?" she said enjoying the moment "you may not like my brother but this guy certainly does."

"Why are you telling me this?" Charlie's voice sounded shaky, uncertain.

"Oh I don't know," she smiled into the darkness "maybe I think you need to be pushed in the right direction."

"Em I'm not..."

"Of course you are," she ignored his protests "my brother is adorable and you've been in love with him since your were fifteen." She listened to his heavy breathing for a moment before asking "so what are you going to do about it?"

4.5 Shattered

Drew dropped her husband's arm upon sight of her son's bruised and battered face. Rushing to him, she dropped to her knees in front of the chair he was sitting in, towards the front of the funeral home. "What happened?" she demanded putting her fingers to his face inspecting the damage that was done.

"Mom please," Andrew pleaded "not now. Not here."

"Honey leave the boy alone," Caleb said coming along side his family. It hurt to see his son like this but he of all people understood the anguish that could cause someone to lash out with their fists. He remembered all too well wanting something or someone to hit after losing Star. The helpless powerless feeling after losing his parents. Even knowing they had lived long fulfilling lives it still hurt.

Shaking Drew nodded taking Caleb's hand looking around the crowded room. She caught sight of the monster who had used her son's face as his personal punching bag. Her heart lurched with sympathy for the boy. He looked so young, so lost. He was a little older then Jennifer had been when their parents had been killed, ripped from their lives forever. She wanted to be angry at him for hurting her little boy, but how could she?

Without conscious effort or thought she found herself walking towards the boy. She saw Jeff standing beside the boy no doubt providing needed support and a shoulder to cry on. She didn't know what she wanted to say or what she intended to do. She just pulled the poor boy into her arms squeezing him tight. When she released him they both had tears in their eyes "I'm sorry Charlie. If you need anything, anything at all let us know."

Numbly Charlie nodded unable to formulate coherent thought to speak. His eyes searched out Andrew sitting alone. A small sound of despair escaped his lips. He looked up when he felt a strong hand on his shoulder "talk to him," Caleb told him nodding towards his son.

Charlie looked into the kind gray eyes of the father of the man he adored and recoiled. He couldn't just talk to him like nothing had happened. He took his pain out on him. He hit him. It was irreversible. It was unforgivable. His eyes strayed towards Andrew "I...I...can't," he mumbled almost to himself.

Caleb look towards Jeff who shrugged saying "I've tried but I can't get through to either one of them."

Charlie knew they were talking about him but their words rolled around him creating a sort of peaceful den around him. He looked down when someone took his hand and tugged on it. He found Drew urging him to follow her. It became obvious where her destination was as they approached Andrew. What choice did he have but to follow? He couldn't very well refuse. Not when she was holding his hand. He looked behind him half pleading for his Uncle Jeff to come to his rescue. He swallowed hard when they stopped in front of Andrew.

Drew looked from one boy to the other "talk" she commanded them to their combined astonishment.

***

They eyed each other in uncomfortable silence that quickly became awkward. "Sit," Andrew muttered in a flat deflated tone.

Charlie looked towards Jeff where Drew and Caleb stood talking to him. They all nodded at him in an attempt to encourage him. He glanced towards the casket where his father lay in silent repose. Inside his head he heard his dad's voice telling him to talk to Andrew. Sighing he took the seat next to his friend "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Andrew asked still in the same monotone voice.

"For hitting you," Charlie looked up wishing he could get Andrew to look at him like use to "I never meant to hurt you."

"My face begs to differ," Andrew said his voice a little more animated "it's not that you hit me it's...." his voice failed him as he found himself in a dark hole with no way out.

"I know," Charlie's voice hitched "I became what you fear most. I never wanted to hurt you like that."

"I know," Andrew looked up at Charlie tears swimming in his eyes "where do we go from here?" He reached for Charlie's hand "please tell me you feel the same for me that I feel for you."

Charlie looked into Andrews grey eyes and saw love shining back at him. It was the look he adored. The look he hoped to see again. It was the moment he had waited for since he was fifteen years old. It was ... "Andy I can't," he couldn't believe the words spewing from his mouth. He let Andrew pull his hand away "I'm sorry I just can't."

"Why?" Andrew choked "I thought....I'm such an idiot." He moved to get up. He felt Charlie reach for him and for a moment his heart leaped with hope. Charlie would retract his words, tell him this was all a bad joke.

"Andy you need to go back to college. Forget about me. I'm...I'm no good for you." With that Charlie got up and strode quickly away without looking back. It was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. It was the only thing he could do.

***

"He broke your heart, didn't he?" Indira fumed pacing the floor in front of Andrew's bed "I knew this was going to happen...."

"Indy please," Andrew pleaded "I misread things. It was me not him." It had only been two days since Zayne's funeral but it seemed like a lifetime ago. After the funeral Andrew had insisted on leaving, going back to school. His parents had suggested he come home for a few days but he didn't want to be babied. He wanted someone to yell at him. He wanted his twin. Indira for all her faults was his best friend. He could count on her when he didn't have anyone else.

"Andrew you're too good for him," she stopped her futile pacing "you should be upset screaming and yelling instead of taking the blame. He doesn't know what he's missing out on."

"I'm afraid he does," Andrew mumbled "and he didn't want it."

"Don't say that," Indira sat on the bed beside him "your wonderful and one day you're going to find someone who appreciates you."

"You think?"

"I know so" she leaned into him in companionable silence.

"What if the person I meet is a guy?" Andrew asked more curious then anything else.

"Andy you're not gay. You just have an unfortunate attraction to your best friend. Once you've had time to recover from your heartbreak you'll see I'm right." She looked into his eyes "you're not strong enough to be gay."

"I don't think strength has anything to do with it. You either are or you aren't."

"Well you're not," she said with renewed firmness "besides you have Sheree."

"What about her?" Andrew asked not following her line of thought.

"She's pretty and you're girlfriend. Remember? You've been dating her for a couple of months." Indira said watching him closely. When he still didn't react she continued "you're not gay when you have a girlfriend."

He looked at her unconvinced but elected to keep his mouth shut. He knew the difference between what he felt for Charlie and what he felt for Sheree. If he were straight he'd be far more attracted to Sheree then he was to Charlie. What difference did it make? Charlie didn't want him. "Maybe you're right," he said grudgingly.

"Good" she said jumping to her feet "we'll have no more talk about Charlie or being gay."

Andrew nodded watching her skip to the door. She half turned as she opened the door "don't worry Andy everything is going to be ok."

***

After leaving Andrews room Indira couldn't help the smug self-satisfied smile that spread across her face. "I take it you convinced your brother he's not gay."

"He's not," she glared at the purple haired boy standing a few feet away "sorry to disappoint you but you'll have to wait for Charlie to come back if your looking for your kind."

The boy's eyes narrowed in distaste. Crossing his arms he leaned against the wall behind him "let me tell you something little miss snob whatever my sexual orientation is it's none of your business." He nodded towards the closed door leading into Andrew's room "one day your brother is going to realize it too. You should be helping him come to terms with who he is not confusing him more."

"I'm not in the habit of repeating myself" she took a step forward "listen carefully. My brother is not gay." She spoke slowly enunciating carefully wanting to be sure he understood her words. 

To her surprise the boy laughed "you're deluding yourself. Your brother and Charlie belong together. Everyone can see it but you."

"Why do you care anyway?" she demanded.

Shrugging the boy straightened to his full height "one day your going to regret what you're doing to your brother."

"I'm making sure he doesn't get hurt," she snapped at him "I don't need you telling me what I shouldn't do." She took a couple of steps away.

Pushing off the wall the boy followed her "I fully intend on being there when you finally learn your lesson."

"Oh really," she crossed her arms glaring at him "how do you plan on managing that?"

He just smiled and walked away. He knew that would infuriate her more than anything he could say. 

He was halfway down the staircase when Indira came bounding them towards him demanding "I asked you a question."

Once they were at the bottom of the stairs he stopped "a little mystery always make the girls go wild." With that he walked purposefully away humming a haunting tune. 

Indira watched him go. Intrigued more than she cared to admit. She wanted, no she needed to know more about him. No one challenges her the way he did. First thing she need to do was find out more about him because she didn't even know his name.

***

Three months later Andrew came back from class to find his Uncle packing up Charlies things. "He's not coming back is he?"

Looking up Jeff shook his head "no I'm sorry."

"Is he alright?" Andrew asked "he won't return my calls or texts..."

Jeff sat heavily on the floor in the middle of boxes "I wish I could say yes but .... he's depressed. I don't know how to reach him."

"I don't suppose..." Andrew sighed flopping on his bed.

"Andy give him time," Jeff said glancing over at the young man. To Jeff he looked as depressed and lifeless as the boy he had left at home.

"Do you need any help?" Andrew asked sitting up.

They both looked up when the door opened behind them. A hesitant green eyed girl stuck her head in "Andrew were you still planning on..." looking at Jeff she stammered "Oh I'm terribly sorry I didn't know." She stepped back closing the door.

"Sheree, it's ok," Andrew said jumping to his feet "this is my Uncle Jeff."

Sheree came back into the room "I'm so sorry for your loss" she said holding her petite hand out to him.

Taking her hand Jeff smiled slightly at the girl "thank you."

Turning to Andrew she said "I'll come back later."

"If you guys have plans don't worry about me. I can manage on my own." Jeff told them observing them keenly.

"Are you sure?" Sheree asked looking at him with doubt.

"I'm sure," Jeff confirmed with a smile "don't worry about me."

"Will you tell Charlie how sorry I am about his dad? I know how close they were." Her green eyes misted over for a moment as she finished speaking. Turning she kissed Andrew's cheek "I'll be right outside when you're ready."

***

"She's nice," Jeff said when the door closed behind her "your girlfriend" a statement more than a question.

Andrew stared at his Uncle like a deer caught in headlights. "Um uh yeah" he stammered unable to formulate an intelligent response.

Jeff looked at his hands for a moment sighing "Andy I know it's not my place to say anything but have you given any thought how this will effect Charlie?"

Andrew felt the surge of an unaccustomed feeling sweep through him. He so seldom became angry he didn't recognize it "what about him?" he demanded his words cold "he rejected me. I moved on. I'm sorry but that's how it is."

Are you sure about that?" Jeff asked keeping his voice calm not wanting to anger his nephew any more than was necessary. "Sheree is a pretty girl but I don't see the same connection with her that you have with Charlie. Charlie loves you. He just won't let himself admit it. I know he does."

"I'm not gay," Andrew objected repeating what Indira had been telling him all along. Maybe if he said it enough he'd believe it. He turned and strode from the room slamming the door shut behind him.

Jeff shook his head muttering to himself "yes you are, whether you want to believe it or not."

***

Andrew lay still on the beach towel soaking in the last of the sun's rays. It felt good on his bare skin. He couldn't believe the school year was almost over. Two more days and he'd be home. Loud voices drifted on the air to his ears. Lifting his head he heard Sheree's voice raised higher than usual. Frowning he watched as an older bald man tried to grab her arm.

Jumping to his feet he ran over to her "who are you?" he demanded of the stranger. Both jumped at the sound of his voice. The old man grimaced pointing a think accusing finger towards Sheree's face 

"I'll be back."

"Don't bother," she told him "I've already given you my answer."

The smile that spread across the man's face was even more sinister then his grimace. "We'll see about that" he glared at Andrew as if making a point then turned and strode purposefully away.

"Who was that guy?" Andrew asked again.

"No one important," Sheree told him a slight quiver in her voice.

"You're shaking," he said pulling her close "tell me."

"He's my grandfather" she said her voice shaking "he wants me to do something..."

"What?" Andrew asked running his hands through her soft colorful hair.

"It doesn't matter," she told him smiling up into his gentle grey eyes "I'm not going to do it. End of 

story."

Something inside him told him the old man was trouble. That he shouldn't let her dismiss it so easily. Despite his misgivings he let her persuade him to drop the subject. "Will you come to Sunlit Tides and meet my family?" he asked instead.

She reached up to caress his face "Andrew wouldn't that give them the wrong impression?"

His brow furrowed "you're my girlfriend don't you want to meet my family?"

"Oh Andrew," her voice cracked as she looked away.

"Don't you like me?" he asked blinking back hot angry tears. He couldn't believe this was happening again.

The pain in his eyes hurt more then any angry words could have done "I do like you but what about Charlie?"

"What about him?" he snapped "he hasn't talked to me in months." 

"Go to him," she reached out to comfort him "I'm sorry" she mumbled when he flinched from her 

touch.

Spirit Animal Award

OMG the wonderful wannabecatwriter aka violincat nominated my blog for the spirit animal award! Thank you so much!

You should definitely check out her stories: Wherever Life Will Take Us, In Dreams of Old and Our Different Paths They are all well worth the read.

Spirit Animal Blog Award Acceptance Rules:

1.) Thank the blogger who nominated you, and link back to their page.

2.) Post the award picture on your blog.

3.) Write a short paragraph about yourself and what your blog means to you.

4.) If you could be any animal, what would it be?

5.) Pick and notify ten nominees.

About Me: 

I never know what to write when it comes to writing about myself. So I'm just going to explain why I started my blogs and you'll get to know a little something about me that I rarely if ever tell anyone. This blog marks my journey from the darkest, lowest point in my life. I needed something to focus on other than my grief and heartache. My readers may wonder why so many of my characters had some form of the name Robert. That name is significant to me. It was my way to honor the memory of my Robbie, my first love, my first kiss, my first heartbreak. 

Imagine two little kids a girl (5) a boy (7) We grew up together. Did everything together. We even told everyone we were going to get married and have 20 kids when we grew up. Why 20 I'll never know, I'd have to go back and ask my 5 year old self. Our commitment never changed all threw high school into college we planned our wedding, set the date but what I didn't know was I was slowly losing him to depression. I knew something was wrong, things I dismissed chalking it up to stress from school, wedding plans, etc. I'll never forget the day I left for class, we said our goodbyes and that was the last I would ever see him.

He decided to end it all that cold November day. It took us a week to find him. I was going out of my mind. How could he do this? Why couldn't he tell me he was hurting so much? Why didn't I see it before it was too late? So started my own battle with depression and my own suicide attempt. I don't know why I survived and he didn't but I'm thankful everyday for the life I have.  It's been four years and I still have my bad days but I'm still here. My blog marks my journey. Sometimes I put my characters through a lot but in the end I hope to give them a happy ending as I hope one day I'll get my happy ending.

Sorry that was so long and depressing but that's what my blog means to me.

Spirit Animal:

I really don't know. I even took one of those quizzes to find out what my spirit animal is. I got mixed results. One such result was the wolf. I liked the explanation because it's true to me. Wolves are pack animals and close to their pack. So my pack is my family and close friends. I'm fiercely loyal and I no longer hold back from saying something if I think something doesn't feel right. 

Nominees:

A Graying World by thepartysim aka legendofsim

Listening to my Heart by Sandybeachgirl

Our Different Paths by violincat (I know your other blog was nominated but I love this story)

The Lee Legacy by phyrcracker93

The Torres Legacy by Taina

Through Colour Blind Eyes by Julie

Pains Water Point by lckygrl

Noble Doubt by RosemaryMarie (I know this blog has already been nominated)

Insanity Doesn't Compare by Jax

Different Winters by lilyShadowWriter

There are many more awesome blogs out there just waiting to be discovered. I wish I could nominate them all.

4.4 The Promise

Charlie watched numbly as they wheeled his father from the room. Surgery. The same surgery the doctor hadn't wanted to perform the day before. Now it was the only thing that might save his dad's life, if it didn't kill him in the process. He wanted to run. To scream. To hit something. His mind kept saying this couldn't be happening. He'd wake up from this nightmare but he never did.

He could feel Andrew watching him with his eyes. He knew it was out of concern but he wished he'd stop. Charlie wanted to hide to become invisible and just maybe he'd emerge unscathed on the other side. His dad would be his old self again. Laughing and smiling. Telling him there was never any reason to be concerned. He'd go back to college tell Andrew how much he liked him and they'd both watch while Indira had a melt down. Laughing once it was all over. That's what would happen. That's what should happen. That's what...

He noticed Jeff get up walking towards the approaching doctor who shook his head. He watched his Uncle lean heavily onto the wall, tears streaming down his cheeks. Charlie stood on shaky legs shuffling towards the doctor he entrusted his father's life into. He shook off Andrew's restraining hands as he made his unsteady progress. He watched the doctor's lips move unable to comprehend the words he was saying. It was if he was speaking in a foreign language. "I'm sorry son. We did all we could."

"No" he screamed startling everyone within hearing range "get back in there and do your fucking job."

"I'm sorry," the doctor repeated "there's nothing else that can be done." With that he turned and walked away ignoring the boys pleas.

"Charlie he's gone," Jeff pulled him close "I'm sorry but there isn't anything else to do."

"No he can't be gone," he cried shoving the older man away from him "he can't be gone. He can't be gone." He turned, eyes wild, screaming his pain through the once silent corridors.

Someone tackled him to his knees saying loudly in his ear "Charlie he's gone...I'm sorry. But you've got to calm down."

He recognized Andrews soothing voice, felt his strong arms wrapped around him. For a brief moment he allowed himself to be comforted. "It's never going to be the same again," he cried pushing away from Andrew's embrace. Running down the hall towards the stairs. He heard Andrew call after him. He didn't stop. Couldn't. The minute he stopped it'd all be real.

***

Andrew moved to chase after Charlie when a strong hand gripped his shoulder. "Let him go."

"But he needs ...." Andrew stopped shocked at what he was about to say. He looked up to find his Uncle holding a tissue to a bleeding split lip. "What happened?"

"I bit my lip when I collided with the wall," Jeff explained "it's nothing."

"What can we do for him?" Andrew asked already moving past his momentary concern for his Uncle's welfare.

"Be there for him when he needs us," Jeff told him.

"That's doesn't sound like much," Andrew complained looking at his feet.

"We can't bring his dad back," Jeff sighed trying to swallow his own sorrow "all we can do is be here for each other."

Looking into the older mans eyes Andrew nodded "I'm sorry Uncle Jeff. This must he difficult for you too."

"It is," he mumbled as he allowed the younger man to pull him close taking what comfort he could. How could he explain the profound ache and loss he felt from losing his partner and best friend for almost twenty years. A friendship that spanned more years then his nephew had been alive. He didn't know how he was going to cope with the loss. The only thing he knew for sure, now wasn't the time to succumb to his own grief. Not when a boy half his age was struggling to cope with the loss of his father. "Thank you," he mumbled stepping back.

"What should we do?" Andrew asked looking to the older man for guidance.

"First you should go back to the house."

"No I want to help" Andrew protested "he's my best friend..."

"I know. I understand believe me I do. Zayne was my best friend." Jeff told him "He needs time to sort things out. Give him time."

"Can't I stay here? I promise I won't get in the way" Andrew pleaded not wanting to be sent away.

Jeff thought a moment before replying "Andy I appreciate the offer but I don't think this is where you should be right now. I'll be doing things and going places you won't want to be. Zayne didn't have anyone else, other than Charlie. Lisa and I were the only family he had. I have to arrange things, sign papers, go to the morgue."

Mention of the morgue was the deciding factor. Andrew nodded "I'll go." 

As he began to walk away, head down Jeff called after him "I know it doesn't seem like it now but it will be ok. Maybe not today or tomorrow but eventually."

He nodded not sure what to say. He couldn't see how things would ever be alright again. His best friend just lost his dad. The single most important person in his life. Andrew couldn't imagine how that felt and hoped he'd never have to find out for a very long time to come.

***

Andrew doubted he'd ever forget the days leading up to the funeral. Charlie stayed locked in their room refusing to talk to anyone, eating almost nothing. He'd nibble if Andrew pressured him otherwise the food went uneaten. His Aunt and Uncle were busy making funeral arrangements while Andrew stayed at home watching his younger cousins.

Patrick was a lot of help being only a couple of years younger then Andrew. He'd make sure his younger siblings did their homework and got to school on time. Andrew knew they were all feeling the loss of Zayne as much as everyone else. Zayne had been a large part of their lives and had been considered family. 

Tommy looked up from his homework "when is Uncle Zayne coming home?"

"He's not" his older sister told him.

"Why?" he asked "is he on assignment?"

"No," the twelve year old girl shouted at him.

"Then why isn't he here?" he asked "he promised that he'd take me to the park when he got home."

"He can't take you to the park," she frowned at him gathering her things from the table.

"Why not?" the little boy asked close to tears "doesn't he like me anymore?"

"He's dead that's why," Rita shouted at him before fleeing from the room.

Attracted to the noise Andrew came into the room as the girl pushed past him. He found his young cousin wiping tears from his eyes "Tommy what's wrong?"

"Is it true? Is Uncle Zayne gone forever?" 

Andrew looked around the room hoping someone else would materialize to answer the eight year old's question. Sighing he moved towards the boy "yes it's true."

The little boy stared blankly across the table for a moment before getting up and throwing his arms around Andrew's waist "was it my fault?"

"No of course not," Andrew told him "what gave you that idea?"

"Rita was so mad at me," he shrugged "I thought maybe I shouldn't have asked Uncle Zayne to take me to the park all the time. Maybe that's why he died."

"I'm sure that had nothing to do with it. Zayne enjoyed taking you to the park. If he could, he'd tell you that himself."

"Are you sure?" the boy asked looking up at him.

"I'm positive" Andrew smiled down at the troubled kid "is your homework done?" When the boy nodded Andrew went on "then let's go to the park and remember all the fun times you had with your Uncle Zayne."

"Ok," the boy tearfully smiled up at him "will Charlie come with us?"

"I don't know but I'll ask," Andrew assured him.

***

"Charlie," Andrew said upon entering their room. Sighing he found him curled up on his bed crying softly into his pillow. "Charlie I'm taking the kids to the park. Do you want to come along?" The only response he received was a few sniffles between sobs. "It'll do you good to get out of this room."

"Leave me alone," Charlie mumbled pulling the pillow over his face.

"You can't hide in here forever," Andrew tried to snatch the pillow from the boys fingers.

"I said leave me alone," Charlie snarled standing abruptly letting Andrew fly backwards a few steps from the sudden release of the pillow.

Andrew fell backwards landing hard on his butt on the floor. The jolt and embarrassment was worse then the pain from the fall. "Can't you see we're worried about you. Me. The Kids. Everyone." 

Andrew stood up rubbing his behind "let us help you...."

"Help me," Charlie shouted "how can you help me? I lost my dad. There's nothing you can do to change that."

Shaking his head Andrew wasn't sure what was happening. He had never seen Charlie so upset or angry before. "I'm sorry I can't change what happened. I wish I could but I can't."

"I'm here for you. I'm sorry. We did all we could. I'm so fucking tired of hearing the same old shit over and over again." Charlie took several steps forwards. Eyes glittering with anger, grief and fear. He grabbed Andrew by the lapels of his shirt shaking him.

"Charlie" Andrew shouted his name prying at his hands that held him "I'm sorry I won't..." The force of the blow knocked him into the wall. Blood gushed from his nose as he gazed up at the man he hardly recognized.

Charlie stared at the mess he made of Andrews face. His fist still clenched. He could still feel the moment his fist collided with Andrew's face. He didn't know what prompted him to punch him. He wanted to say he was sorry but the words wouldn't come out of his mouth. He stood frozen locked inside his body as his anger boiled inside him. He turned and ran from the room, the house, dimly aware of the scared faces of the young kids as he ran past them. He ran trying to put distance from the shock, the fear, the pain in the face of the last person he ever wanted to hurt. There was nothing he could say or do to change what he did.

"Charlie," Andrew shouted out to him as he fled the room. The blood gushing from his nose pooling in his shirt he startled the kids as he attempted to cut Charlie off. Before he could follow Charlie from the house Patrick blocked him.

"What happened to you?" Patrick asked blocking the door.

"Get out of my way," he demanded as he watched Charlie running down the road until he was out of sight.

"Charlie hit you didn't he?" Patrick asked without moving from his post in front of the door.

"He doesn't know what he's doing" Andrew told him "he's upset I ...."

"Got in his way" Rita said handing him an ice pack "this should help. Mama always gives daddy an ice pack when he comes home beat up."

"Thank you," he murmured taking the ice from the girl and pressing it to his nose.

"Is it broken?" Patrick asked in concern helping Andrew to the floor so he could lean his head back. "Do you need to go to the ER or something?"

"I don't know" Andrew confessed "I've never had a broken nose before."

"I guess this means we're not going to the park" Tommy said watching Andrew closely.

"I'm sorry kiddo," Andrew tried to give him a smile but he was afraid it didn't come across right.

"I hate him," Tommy cried running upstairs. They could hear him as he ran across the floor to his room and the distant sound of  his door slamming shut.

"I should go and ..."

Patrick pushed him back "no he'll be alright. He's just upset."

"I called daddy" Rita informed them "he and mommy will be home soon. They'll know what to do."

***

"Ouch" Andrew grumbled as his Aunt touched his nose.

"I don't think it's broken more gore then anything else." She told him "it's going to hurt for a few days and you're going to have a beauty of a black eye."

"Great," Andrew mumbled "I'll look like a prize fighter for the funeral." Looking around he asked "where's Uncle Jeff?"

Patting his shoulder Lisa said "he went looking for Charlie."

Andrew nodded "I think I should room with Patrick until I go back to college."

"Are you sure?" she asked nibbling on her bottom lip "I'm sure Charlie didn't mean to hurt you."

"I know but I'm obviously doing something wrong if he's lashing out at me. He probably just needs more space. He doesn't want me hovering over him." Andrew tried to keep his voice even to give the impression of being calm. The last thing he wanted was for his Aunt to think he was afraid to be alone in the same room with Charlie. He was his best friend, he was coping with a lot, he didn't mean to hurt him. He knew all of that and yet he was afraid. The idea of being alone with him was making him almost physically ill. As much as he told himself he understood why it happened it didn't help. He still couldn't face it.

Raised voices and angry shouts never ceased to remind him of the days he was alone with Ricky. Being hit sent him back to being that scared helpless little kid again crying for his parents. He never thought it would be Charlie who made him feel that way again. Now that it happened, what could he do to change it?

"It'll be alright," Lisa smiled at him "I'll have Patrick move your stuff to his room..."

"No I can do it," Andrew objected.

Patting his shoulder "you need to stay put with that ice pack glued to your nose."

***

Jeff unlocked the apartment with the spare key Zayne had entrusted him with in case of emergencies. The interior was dark, silent, foreboding. He took several steps inside to find Charlie on the floor in the living room with several photo albums spread around him on the floor. Silently Jeff joined him waiting for the boy to speak first.

"I never knew her," he pointed to a picture of Zayne and a young woman on their wedding day "my mother, I never knew her. Never knew what I was missing. I had my dad. That always seemed to be enough. Now I don't have anyone."

"You have us," Jeff told him his voice firm, low, soothing.

Charlie nodded still looking at the picture of his parents on their wedding day. "I know but...." he sighed closing the photo album "you have your own family. You don't need me ruining it."

"You are my family as much as my own kids are. You ruin nothing." Jeff moved towards the boy.

"Everything I touch I ruin," Charlie scooted away from the older man he had known all his life. "Everyone I've ever loved is gone. I'm jinxed. Death follows me and I'll bring death to you too."

"That's not true," Jeff told him firmly despite the long buried feelings he still had of feeling the same way when he was Charlie's age. The ones where he felt jinxed that everyone he cared about would be ripped from him like his parents had been. Those feelings had kept him from being able to use his gun, too afraid of making a mistake. Taking someone's life and causing someone to lose their loved one. He had been so busy hiding he hadn't allowed himself to see Lisa for who she was to him. If she hadn't forced the issue, broken through his reserves he wouldn't have the kids he had, know the love he cherished for his wife and kids. He wouldn't be the person he is today. "Charlie you have people who love you. Who want to help you."

"No" he shouted stumbling to his feet "they're better off without me. I...I..." He turned his back on the older man. Couldn't see his tears. His distress.

Jeff watched as the young man's broad shoulders shook. Sighing he stood up "he understands..."

"I hit him" he cried as if the words caused him pain "he was my best friend and I hit him."

"He still is."

"Is what?" Charlie asked.

"Still your friend," Jeff told him trying to comfort him.

"No no no" Charlie shook his head "no not anymore."

"Come back to the house," Jeff told him "you'll see...."

"No" he shook his head adamant in his decision "I'm staying here." He wandered off refusing to listen to anything else.

***

Charlie curled into a ball upon his childhood bed. He let the tears fall from his eyes unheeded. He hit his best friend. He watched in horror as he fell backwards against the wall. Holding a hand over his nose. He saw the brightness of the blood as it seeped through his fingers. He did that, his mind screamed at him. His mind kept screaming at him as he stood there in shock until he couldn't stand it anymore and ran as if every monster that ever existed was chasing him.

Andrew would never forgive him. Charlie of all people knew Andrew's fear of loud angry voices. The nightmares he still had about being kidnapped and being slapped around for crying. Look what he done. Turned into the very thing Andrew feared most. He couldn't face him. Couldn't see the fear in his dark grey eyes and know he was the one who put it there.

He loved Andrew more then he realized. It was too late now. He couldn't tell him how he felt not after what he did. The last words his father said to him and he couldn't do as he was told. He'd never be able tell Andrew he loved him. Not now. Not ever.

The realization of that burden weighed heavy on his shoulders. A crushing weight that threatened to drown him in the turbulent seas of his self-recriminations. Sleep eventually came to him. His dreams were no better than his reality. His dad's dying words kept repeating themselves inside his head. Tell him...daddy I can't he'd pleaded only to see his dad turn away from him in disappointment. 

"Daddy please I'm sorry" Charlie pleaded.

"Tell him," Zayne repeated "you promised."

"I know but I can't..."

"You can," Zayne told him walking away.

"Daddy please come back. I need you," Charlie cried out in his sleep.

"Son it's alright," Jeff soothed gently holding the shaking young man "I'm here I'm not going anywhere."

Charlie nodded clinging to him. It was safe, comforting to know that no matter what he still had his dad's best friend, his Uncle in his life. But would he still be there once the people closest to him became victims to his jinx?