Relaxing on the couch Robert let his mind wander. Hidden Springs was a peaceful place to him. Every time he spent time away he couldn't wait to get back home. A part of him insisted he should really hate the house that he built for Patricia until he realized the house was build for himself and his children. Patricia had offered so little input into it's design. The best times they spent were the early days they spent camping in the backyard while the house was being built. Afterwards Patricia steadily pulled away from him and the kids.
It was time to move on with his life. He felt it but hadn't wanted to admit it at Casey's wedding a year ago. He realized then what he thought he had with Patricia was not true love. It had never been right since he had been abducted by the aliens. Shon had told him how he had caught Patricia in the process of running away and when they found out he was pregnant with Diana she had gone into a depressive state blaming him instead of the aliens. She acted like it was his fault. Looking back on it he really didn't know why he fought so hard to keep their marriage intact. He had thought he was in love with Patricia and she with him. Maybe he should have let her go with the man when he found them, it was obviously what she had wanted. But what would have happened to the twins? For that fact alone Robert was glad he had insisted they run. He had them and they were safe. At the time when it was all happening he had convinced himself this was what Patricia wanted too but he realized towards the end that it was him doing all the sacrificing. When she pulled away from him he had begun not to care. It was ending and a part of him didn't care.
All he wanted, all he had ever wanted was someone to love him despite his past and family. To accept him with all his faults. Someone to love his children. Chuckling to himself he knew he couldn't marry someone just so his kids could have a mother. That would be a catastrophe in the making. He had to respect whoever that person turned out to be and he hoped she would do the same for him. He wanted someone who had their own ambitions instead of riding along on his....
"Dad what are you thinking about?" Jennifer asked breaking into his thought.
"Just daydreaming sweetheart," Robert smiled at her "did you want something?"
Glancing up at him Jennifer smiled "are you daydreaming about the nanny?"
Shaking his head Robert tried to disguise his smile "no sweetheart."
"You don't have to lie if you were," she persisted "she is kind of pretty."
Chuckling Robert kissed the top of her head "honest honey I wasn't thinking of her. I was actually thinking of your mom."
"Yuck," Jennifer made a face of disgust "you can think of anyone but her." Looking up at her dad Jennifer asked "do you still love her?"
Thinking for a moment to contemplate and choose the right words Robert decided to be honest. "No honey I don't. I was thinking how I tried so hard to make things work and she didn't try at all."
"That made you sad," Jennifer said slipping her hand in his "I could see how sad you were. Mom never tried. Not with you not with us. She didn't love us. If she did she would have stayed."
Squeezing her hand "oh honey I didn't know you saw all of that. I'm sorry."
"It wasn't your fault. I could see you were trying and unhappy that mom didn't like us anymore." Leaning against her dad she continued "she used to get mad at me when I didn't want to do school with her. She told you it was me being difficult. That's why you took over wasn't it? I'm sorry I was difficult. I know you were tired after working all night but I ..."
"But what?" Robert asked smoothing her hair.
"I wanted to be with you not her." Jennifer stopped looked into his gentle brown eyes "I learned more from you then with her. All she did was yell at me when I got it wrong or she'd throw my work across the room." She snuggled into him seeking comfort.
"I'm sorry I didn't know any of that was happening," Robert hugged her tight. He felt anger building up inside him over what Patricia did and at himself for not seeing it. "I'm sorry," he repeated.
"Why are you sorry?" Jennifer asked looking up at him "it was her who should be sorry but she's not. I hate her." Jennifer jumped up from the couch swiping at the tears flowing down her face.
"Jen it's ok to be upset," Robert spoke gently to her. "You don't have to hide your feelings from me."
"I know daddy," she shrugged "I thought maybe you'd think I was bad for hating her."
"Hate might be a little strong," Robert tweaked her nose causing her to squeal "but it's ok not to like her. I don't much like her either." He hugged his little girl tight. Looking up as Diana bounced into the house followed closely by the nanny.
"Daddy, daddy guess what?" Diana demanded throwing herself into his arms.
"No what?" Robert replied squeezing her tight then throwing her across his shoulders.
Squealing in delight Diana cried "daddy put me down." Kissing her cheek Robert set her down on the floor. "Grace knows everything about art," she continued excitedly.
"She does," Robert acted like it was news to him even though he knew Grace held a fine arts degree.
Nodding vigorously she continued "she took me to the art museum and she knew everything about the pictures. Who painted them and ... and everything."
"So could I," Jennifer interrupted "all you have to do is read the little card below each picture. It's not rocket science moron."
"You couldn't," Diana insisted sticking her tongue out at her.
"Dad make her stop," Jennifer demanded.
"She started it," Diana retorted.
"Girls that's enough," Robert said firmly "Jen quit calling your sister names. Diana quit sticking your tongue out at people." He walked away towards the kitchen to the sounds of giggles.
"Need help?" he asked as Grace bent to put groceries away.
"No I'm almost done," she said standing. "I hope you don't mind that I took Diana to the art museum."
"Not at all," he reassured her "she's been begging me to take her for quite a while now."
"She's a very talented little girl," Grace said wiping her hands off.
"Yes she is but I'm biased. I'm her dad."
Smiling Grace backed away "I'm going to check on the little ones."
Watching her walk away Robert shook his head wondering what he said to make her think she had to leave. She was so exotic looking he couldn't help but admire her. Her hair was so different kind of white blue and purple it looked different depending upon how she wore it. It was his favorite feature on her. He wondered how it would feel to run his fingers through it.
"Daddy likes Grace," Diana's high pitched voice broke into his thoughts.
"I'm sorry what?" he asked blankly.
"You like Grace," she repeated with a smile.
"Miss Jimison is very nice. She does a good job," he replied. There was no way he was going to get involved with the kids nanny. No matter how attractive she might be.
Leaning against the door breathing hard she swiped at the tears streaming down her cheeks. This is stupid she told herself. How many times did she have to tell herself she couldn't breakdown every time someone was nice to her. His eyes were so gentle and kind...shaking her head she closed her eyes willing herself to stop thinking of his eyes. Rolling her hands into fists she breathed evenly calming down.
"Gracie" a shrill voice cried out. Opening her eyes she found Alex pointing up at her smiling. Unclenching her fists she went to pick up the little boy. "Gracie sad," Alex said snuggling into her.
She hugged him tight avoiding looking into his eyes. She knew they would remind her of his father, dark, kind and gentle. The kind she could get lost in and know she was safe. He began to squirm in her arms demanding "down. Want down."
"Patience little man," she laughed kissing his cheek before putting down into the play pen.
Amanda silently watched as Grace stood and stretched after putting her brother down. She lifted her arms up towards Grace and smiled as she watched Grace move towards her. Smiling Grace went around to pick up Amanda "hey Mandy," she cooed "how's my big girl?"
"Good" she whispered in her ear burying her face in Grace's long hair.
"Why so shy?" Grace asked cuddling the little girl. Grace marveled at the variety of personalities in all four of the kids she cared for. Jennifer strong willed and independent. Diana sweet and needy. Alex typical boy cuddly cute. Amanda shy and reserved. Not for the first time Grace wondered how affected were the kids when their mother abandoned them.
Startled she looked up as the door opened Grace hid her smile when Robert walked in. "Hey are you alright?" he asked giving her a look of concern.
Nodding she felt a lump form in her throat. She felt like she couldn't breathe. Turning away she put Amanda into the play pen with her brother. "I'm fine," she murmured.
"You don't act fine," Robert replied "want to talk about it?" He moved closer to her touching her arm lightly "I'm told I'm a good listener."
Grunting she wiped a stray tear away that spilled from the corner of eye. "I'm sorry today is just ... it's ..." she burst into tears despite her best efforts not too. It was just too painful.
Robert drew her close so that she was crying upon his shoulder. Her tears soaked his shirt as he gently stroked her hair. "Whatever it is I'm sorry."
Lifting her head she dried her eyes "I'm a mess and I left mascara stains all over your shirt. I'm sorry."
"No harm done," he smiled gently at her "nothing a little soap can't fix."
Stepping back Grace hugged her arms around herself "thank you," she murmured walking away.
As she neared the door Robert stopped her "the offer still stands if you want to talk I'm here. I may not have any answers but sometimes it helps to talk."
Hesitating Grace glanced over her shoulder "I'll think about it." She opened the door and walked away.
Later that night Grace lay awake in her bed as tears streamed down her cheeks. Why did she push Robert away earlier that day? She could use a friendly shoulder to cry on. She could use a friend. Wiping tears from her eyes she turned on her side attempting to ignore the voice in her head taunting her. Who was she kidding? Herself? She didn't want a friend she wanted someone to hold her tight. To love her. To tell her everything would be alright on the darkest days.
Tossing onto her back she pounded her fists into the mattress below her. She could have that if she hadn't pushed him away. The look in his eyes told her he wanted to help. Take the pain away if he could. His kind brown eyes called out to her. The depths showed his own pain. They could help each other heal. Why was she so reluctant to let him in? What was holding her back? She closed her eyes falling into a fitful sleep.
Jerome came to her then in her dream. Holding her hand. Raising it to his lips, softly kissing it. "You have to let me go. It's time," his brown eyes sad as her hand slipped from his grasp as he walked away.
"No please .... I can't," she cried as she watched him walked away.
Turning he waved to her, in his arms a beautiful baby girl. Their child. The girl snuggled in his arms her voice carried to her "mama coming?"
"No sweetie it's not time yet," Jerome told her.
"Don't go. Don't leave me," Grace cried "I don't want to be left alone."
"You're not alone" Jerome smiled as he turned walking towards the light "there's another that holds your heart now. Go to him."
Jolting upright Grace cried out "no don't go." Blinking she realized it was just a dream. The same dream she's had for the past year. Since she came to work for Robert as his children's nanny. Covering her face she burst into tears. "He promised he'd never leave me."
A soft knock on her bedroom door had her frantically wiping tears from her eyes before saying "come in."
Robert stuck his head inside "I'm sorry for intruding but I thought I heard ..." looking at her swollen eyes he asked "are you alright?"
Shaking her head she burst into tears once again. Moving to her side Robert pulled her into his arms. She clung to him as he stroked her hair as she wept on his shoulder. When she calmed down he gently kissed her forehead as he moved to get up. "Please don't go," she clutched at his arm "I .... I" she turned grief filled eyes towards him "please just hold me."
Nodding he sat down wrapping his arms around her as she snuggled into him. Robert felt her body convulse with her silent sobs. He squeezed her tight until her sobs slowed and they fell asleep.
"See I was right," Jerome's familiar voice told her. "Your heart belongs to him now." He kissed her forehead as he moved to get up. "I'm sorry your time with him will be so short. I'll be here waiting when it's time." Jerome picked up the little girl and waved before walking into the light.
"Wait" she called out to him "what do you mean? Please don't go." She tried to follow them but they disappeared before she could. Opening her yes she felt Roberts comforting arms around her. It felt right. Warm and safe as she snuggled closer in his embrace. She felt his breath move the hair on the nape of her neck. Her dream was fast escaping her waking thoughts. She smiled as she recalled Jerome's warm smile as he told her her heart belonged to him now. She knew it was Robert he referred to and it was comforting to know he was alright with her moving on. There had been something else. Something that frightened her but she could longer recall what it was. Frowning she knew it was important. Sighing she would ask the next time Jerome visited her in her dreams.
Waking together in each others arms Robert smiled "good morning."
Blinking Grace lazily stretched beside him "thank you," she murmured resting against his chest.
"You're welcome," looking into her beautiful eyes he ran a finger along her nose "like to tell me about it."
Sighing she sat up "not really..."
"Ok," Robert said moving to get up. She grabbed his hand frantic to keep him there.
"Don't go...please" she entreated "it's not that I don't want to tell you ... it's just ... difficult."
Sitting beside her Robert waited until she composed herself before saying "whatever it is you'll feel better once you let someone in. Believe me I understand. After my wife left me I thought I would never be whole again. It hurts to be around people in loving committed relationships. I'm jealous that they have what I want." He looked away blinking back tears. He felt Grace slip her hand in his as she leaned into him.
"I was married once" Grace spoke in a small hesitant voice. Robert turned to look at her "it was three years ago yesterday that the accident happened that took them away."
"I'm sorry," Robert put his arm around her.
Wiping a stray tear away she continued "we had been married for three years when it happened. Jerome was driving us home after celebrating our anniversary." She took a deep breath unable to go on. Robert waited sensing this was the first time she had spoken about this to anyone. "I'm sorry it still feels like it happened yesterday. I still believe he'll walk through the door after working all day. But he never does and never will again."
"Shhh it's ok," Robert murmured as she buried her face in his shoulder.
"We were hit by a drunk driver on our way home," she continued clinging to him for support. "The car rolled multiple times before coming to rest against a line of trees. We were trapped inside while rescue workers tried to get us out. Jerome ... he ... he died holding my hand. There was nothing I could do I ... I just watched the life drain from his eyes." A strangled sob escaped as she tried to continue "then the pains began ..." Robert held her as the high pitched keening began "I lost my baby ... my baby girl never had a chance." Pulling away from Robert she looked lost and defeated "why didn't I die too? I wanted to die to be with them. I couldn't bear the pain. The emptiness. The loneliness. Why didn't I die too?"
Robert reached out to her pulling her close. Holding her as her body shook with sobs. As she calmed Robert felt her pull away from him. He reached up and caressed her face. "I can't tell you why but I do know you were sent here to us. The kids have blossomed since you came into their lives. For the first time since my wife left I feel alive. I never thought my heart would ever be whole again. I have you to thank for that. I thought you were beautiful before now I know you're one of the strongest people I know."
"She shook her head murmuring "I'm not strong I'm broken. Pieced together with glue and spit." She laughed wiping a tear away.
"It takes strength to live through what you experienced. It takes strength to spread sunshine in the lives of others even though your dying inside. That makes you truly beautiful."
The corners of her mouth quirked up as she said "the same could be said of you. I see how your children light up when you walk into the room. Their world revolves around you. I see how your family call on you for advise. You always know what to say, how to help. That makes you pretty special."
"I feel the same as you, like I've been shattered and put back together with glue," Robert looked away unsure of himself.
Jerome's voice from her dream repeated in her head. 'He has your heart and you have his. You belong to him now. Go for it.' She smiled knowing what she should do as she brought her hand up to Robert's face bringing her lips to his.
